Ever wonder what it would be like to go back in time…to go back and fix every mistake you ever made…to take the knowledge you know of the future and use it for your (or maybe others) benefit? Welcome to the abyssal vortex that I call my thoughts.
Time travel will never be invented for one reason. It is too potent, too drastic, and would make this world a terrible, terrible place to live in. Some say the world will end with an asteroid, some say it will rain fire and brimstone. Frankly, if time travel is ever invented, that will be the catalyst for any apocalyptic catastrophe. Don’t believe me? Maybe not. But it will still suck for you regardless because…
1. For many of us, we dream of going back in time to fix the myriad amount of screw ups that we as flawed human beings have made. For some this requires going back a year and not saying that dumb thing we said to someone we cared about. For others, it involves going back a few years and making different life choices. Hell, for some of us, we just need a reset button on life all together. Now say we go back and fix all those things. What happens next?
We screw up all over again.
So we didn’t punch that kid on the stairwells of Tillet dining hall. But we did decide to say some derogatory things to his face. (words can never hurt me…right?) What…he’s depressed now? What…he’s turned to drugs, alcohol, and copious amounts of unprotected sex to cover up for the insecurities and scars of his inner-most heart? And now him and his crackwhore of a wife are living in a trailer living off TV dinners and watching American Idol reruns because they can’t afford satellite or cable? Good job, jerk.
2. Think back to the things you enjoyed in 2010. Now 2005. 2000. 1990. How many of these things do you still enjoy? Remember when the Bed Intruder song and Double Rainbow Guy were still hilarious? Try listening to that a few hundred more times without bashing your skull in with a brick. Think you’re a funny and trendy guy? Well back in 2000, walking around in skinny jeans with your Urban Outfitters cardigan and stunna shades got you beat and called Poindexter. Enjoy baggy Jnco jeans and puffer jackets.
Try making a joke about Rebecca Black to someone from March 1st, 2011. Now think about most of the jokes and conversation topics that you talk about now. Enjoy being socially awkward and irrelevant. Unless of course you enjoy talking about President Bush getting elected as president, how dumb (or terrible) Y2K is going to be, and Mad Cow Disease. Because that’s what was up in 2000.
At least 2000 was a good year for movies. Rugrats in Paris, Scary Movie, 102 Dalmations, Big Momma’s House. Oh and Gladiator, Remember the Titans, and The Whole Nine Yards. Assuming you also de-age as you travel back in time (“Hi, mom, nothing suspicious over here. I’m supposed to be 11 but I have a full grown beard and have gone through puberty!”), too bad you can’t watch most of those fun movies since you can’t get into the Rated-R ones. Yeah, remember when that happened?
3. Okay so maybe you wanted to go back in time to make some money. Go back far enough and then invent Facebook, Amazon, the Snuggie, or just invest a ton of stock in Google. Instant success, make a billion dollars, and then retire in peace. Right?
No, not really.
What made things like Facebook and Amazon so successful? The geniuses behind them that came up with the original idea in the first place. You try writing up a business plan for this, getting a loan to start up a risky business, and then putting all the pieces together. Even if you manage to somehow get it up and running, what you’ll most likely have is a cheap, Chinatown knockoff of the original that you were used to in your first life. Good job ruining Facebook for everyone.
Alright, so maybe you have some business acumen and actually manage to get everything running smoothly. You make bucketloads of money, fill your heated, indoor pool with $50 bills (who uses those anyway?) and then get assassinated. Wait what?
Enjoy losing all privacy in your life once you hit it big. Know why celebs like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan lose their mind and spend their #WINNINGS on crack cocaine? The sheer amount of pressure and temptation of being a celebrity can destroy you. Now that you’ve invented the next best thing since sliced bread, the spotlight is on you. A young, immensely wealthy fellow. You don’t know who your friends are anymore, your parents burn through your money Culkin-style and the person who you thought was your best friend stabs you in the back to take over your company…thanks Obediah from Iron Man.
4. Speaking of Facebook…have fun with the crappy entertainment of the past. Sure we think back on the “good ol’ days” and reminisce about how great everything was. The only reason it was so great was because we didn’t have the amenities of today. Try reverting back to the Playstation One or SNES after playing on your X-Box 360 for so many years. The stupid square, pixilated graphics will have you pulling your hair out in no time. Hell, even if you’re a “retro” person (grow up, the 80s were 30 years ago) you’ll crack eventually.
Then of course there’s the internet. There’s no Facebook, YouTube, and even MySpace seems like a good option right about now. Oh, unless you invented one of those but we all know how that turns out…
I’m feeling generous. Even IF those websites existed, how are you going to get to them? Go back far enough and no one even knows what “the internet” is or if you go back 15 years or so…you’re stuck on crappy 56k. Remember when America Online was relevant? When the ERELRKJKLDSFJSKDFJ#kljFKLsjd332 sounds of dial-up sounded like an angelic harmony that linked you to a vast wonderland of Angelfire and Geocities websites. Yeah…those were the days.
Sure there may be some cool aspects of going back in time…but after really thinking about it, do you still want to?
So the question of the day is: If you could go back in time, what would you do?
Let me know :)
